Five Effective Ways to Procrastinate

For writers, but feel free to adapt.

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  1. Locate your favourite pen. It should fit perfectly in your fingers with just the right weight and glide smoothly across the page. Crack open the spine of that new, beautifully decorated notebook you purchased weeks ago, but that so far has remained in pristine condition. Soak in the new-page scent. Position yourself comfortably on a chair, preferably with an oversized feather pillow on your lap and feet resting on a coffee table or ottoman. Rest your head and briefly close your eyes. Wake up half an hour later.
  2. Lace up your runners and head out for a long walk, ready to breathe in the fresh evening air and begin considering a new story or solve problems in the chapter you are working on. Notice that it is the evening before garbage day and several neighbours have offered a veritable buffet for the local bear spotted just yesterday in the next-door neighbour’s garage. Clutch your phone, walk faster, forget about anything to do with your writing and scan for signs of movement behind every bush.
  3. Grab your mat and head to yoga class. Figure you will have at least one hour to stretch and perhaps plan a story, but find yourself twisted in triangle and toppling in warrior. Try to avoid napping during shavasana. Note that the yoga instructor considers it bad form to write in your notebook during pigeon.
  4. Gather the little ones and make a delicious batch of gluten-free cookies from scratch using your mother’s family recipe found on the back of the chocolate chip package. Fire up the blender to high speed, allowing the flour to create a white cloud over the kitchen as you try to drown out the annoying characters shouting in your head. Allow the children to lick the concoction from the spatula as you spoon out the dough, imagining each shape is part of a Rorschach test.
  5. Write a procrastination list. Realize you finally wrote something down that wasn’t a grocery store shopping list. Procrastinating done. Now, get on with it.